Even the Applesauce Won’t Accept Me

The other day, Bear, Bean and I were gathered ’round the dining room table to enjoy our midday repast. The lunch conversation, as guided by Bear and Bean, was riddled with scores of “poopies” and “butts” and “poopie butts” and the like, so I decided to turn my attention to the container of Mott’s applesauce in front of me. After perusing the nutritional facts for a while, and realizing that the kids were continuing to pontificate on and on about the hilarity of soiled pants, I spun the container and read some more. One line of text in particular jumped out at me:

“Since 1842, we’ve been dedicated to giving moms easy ways to help their families be their very best.”

I see how it is, Mott’s. You’re giving moms easy ways, are you? You’re all about helping the moms of this world, right? How noble you are. How totally noble and family-oriented. But what if… no, it couldn’t be. But just what if… there are some dads out there who buy groceries and serve them to their families? Some dads who are looking for easy ways to help their families be their very best? How do you deal with that possibility, Mott’s?

(Fade in to an imagined scene at the local grocery store. Dad, Bear and Bean are at the checkout counter when they are approached by an UnderCover Mott’s Man or UCMM)

UCMM: Excuse me sir. Are those your kids?

Dad: Yes indeed.

UCMM (confused): So… that would make you not their mom but… their dad, right?

Dad: Uh, yeah, that’s pretty much it.

UCMM: I see. I also see that you’re purchasing some quality Mott’s applesauce today. I assume you’ll be passing that off to your wife in order for her to serve it to the kids, right?

Dad: Um, nope, I’ll go ahead and dish it up for them myself. Why do you care?

UCMM (becoming agitated): OK, well surely you fully read through the label on the product prior to purchasing it, and so surely you are aware that Mott’s wants moms to help their families be their very best. There is no mention of any sort of dedication to dads anywhere on the label.

Dad: Dude, I’m just trying to buy some applesauce here…

UCMM: No! I will not have this! Return the Mott’s to aisle 6 immediately!

Dad: Are you serious right now?

UCMM: I’m afraid so! Now if you’ll just step this way with me.

Dad: Wha?

UCMM: That’s right. You will now be accompanying me to Mott’s corporate headquarters in Plano, Texas. You clearly are not part of the demographic group we’ve been marketing to since 1842, and so we’ll need to bring you in for further study.

I guess I just have to wonder why, in this day and age, a company like Mott’s is still feeling the need to not only assume that moms are the sole purchasers of their product, but also that this is something they should spell out in large print on their containers. This assumption may have been fine and dandy back in 1842, but we’ve all circled the sun a few times since then, and things have happened. Times have changed. Hey, maybe 85% of the people that buy applesauce are still moms. Maybe 90%. But do you have to go and alienate the other 10-15 percent?

This concludes my anti-Mott’s applesauce rant.

I really need to get out more.

SAHD 3.0: The Pregnancy Post

As one year draws to a close and another waits to take its place, the impulse is always to reflect and resolve. Was 2011 OK? Was it all I hoped it would be? What will be different in 2012?

One aspect of my life that definitely appears not to be changing in 2012 is my SAHD (Stay At Home Dad) status. A lot of folks like to pronounce the acronym SAHD like sad, but being the upbeat fellow I am, I prefer something more like sod. What, the H is supposed to be silent? What, the thought of a man at home with his kids all day is somehow depressing? These are the concerns I have.

So the title of this post pretty much gives it away. Child number three is on its way. In six months, I’ll be SAHD of not two, but three. Ages four, three and newborn. Wow, the panic in me is really starting to rise as I sit here typing out the cold hard facts. Obviously I’m ecstatic about the impending arrival of our newest family member-to-be. But man! This is going to be a lot of little lives to look out for.

In honor of this momentous change occurring in my family, I’ve updated the blog’s header image. Mom has obviously been around all along, but apparently, for some reason, it’s only now that she has another human being ensconced within her that I’ve deemed her worthy of being on the header. That’s not very cool of me. Sorry Mama. And sorry we couldn’t fit you on our side of the jagged yellow dadbloggit cloud. It’s not that we didn’t want you over there with us. It’s just that compositionally, you and fetus seemed to fit better on the other side. Seriously though, you’re doing an awesome job growing that baby.

OK 2012, let’s see what you’ve got!

Mac ‘n’ Cheese Graphic

Being a lover of photography and the great outdoors, I very much look forward to finding the latest issue of National Geographic magazine in my mailbox every month. Perusing the contents of this well-known yellow-bordered publication inspires me and helps keep me connected to something bigger than myself and my brood of young’uns. However, it came as quite a shocker to me that my 2- and 3-year-old daughters dig the magazine as much, if not more, than I do.

Recently, Bear approached me and initiated this conversation:

Bear: Dad, can you read me (slurred jumble of nonsensical syllables) graphic?

Dad: What?!

Bear: (with a silly smile indicating her knowledge that she is totally botching a pronunciation) I wanna read (something resembling “mac ‘n’ cheese”) graphic.

Dad: (taken aback because Bear usually speaks quite clearly) What? What in the world are you saying?! Are you saying “Mac ‘n’ Cheese Graphic”?

Bear: Yeah! Mac ‘n’ Cheese Graphic!

Of course, I realized then that she was referring to National Geographic. It makes perfect sense that a 3-year-old would take the syllables “nash nal jee”, which mean absolutely nothing to her, and substitute “mac ‘n’ cheese”, a phrase that literally translates to “delicious dinner” in toddler-ese. It must be a bit confusing to her that there is not a single photo of mac ‘n’ cheese to be found anywhere within the magazine, but I suppose she keeps holding out hope that next month’s issue will address this little disconnect.

But yeah, Bear and Bean LOVE this magazine. The latest issue has been particularly spellbinding for them. Bean will come up to me and say “I wanna see spiders”. As I take the magazine and start flipping through to find the spider pages, Bean slowly starts to back away, all the while keeping her eyes trained on the pages. Because, you see, while she does have an insatiable curiosity about the spider photographs, she is also quite terrified of them. The spider is pretty creepy actually. Though we’re told that the creature is so small it could perch on our fingernail, the extreme close-up photos make it look as though it could devour Manhattan if it wanted to.

Then there are the big cats. This issue features lions, tigers, jaguars and the like. The kids love to look at the photos and say “That’s Pedro’s cousin!”, Pedro being our abnormally enormous house cat. “Pedro, come see your cousin!” they yell as they chase poor Pedro all over the house. Pedro hates this, and to be fair, I would not want someone waking me up from my nap by shoving photos of my distant relatives in my face. Not cool.

The big cats story does contain one particularly troubling photo. The picture shows a shirtless man laying down with his eyes wide open, and several other men standing above him and pouring water on his body. The caption says something like “villagers prepare this man’s body for cremation after a large tiger fell him with one swipe of its paw”. The inevitable conversation commences:

Bear: What are they doing to that guy?

Dad: (struggling) Who, that guy? Let’s see… they are… actually… giving that guy a bath, as it turns out.

Bear: Why does he need help taking a bath?

Dad: You know, let’s go ahead and see what’s on the next page…

I suppose we should just get them a subscription to the kids’ version of the magazine to avoid subject matter like this. Then again, is it ever too early to warn your children about the dangers of being felled by big cats?

Taking the Kids to the Bar

The Cardinal Bar - booze, buses and blacktop, yet somehow also a child's dream come true. Source: Google Maps

As a one-car family we make certain sacrifices. Now, wait. I take that back. That’s the ‘glass half-empty’ way of putting it. Let’s try this one on: As a one-car family we get to have some totally off-the-hook public transportation adventures that less fortunate multi-car families will never have. Yes. Much better.

So there’s four of us, and only one automobile. It usually works out fine. But then there are days when we all have to pile in the car bright and early, drive to Mom’s office to drop her off, go to an appointment of some sort, drive the car back to Mom’s office to drop it off for her use, and then find our own way home. Finding our own way home goes like this:

walking…waiting…TRAIN…waiting… still waiting…. I can’t believe we’re still waiting… BUS… walking home.

Now let’s face it. Bear, Bean and I really have nowhere to go. A little waiting and walking is not going to kill us. But it could very well bring on some good old-fashioned hypothermia on wintry days like the day of our recent adventure. So what is my crew to do when it finds itself quickly morphing from flesh to ice at 38th Street Station in South Minneapolis in the ‘I can’t believe we’re still waiting’ leg of the trip home? Why, head to the bar, of course!

What are the three of us going to do at a bar, you might ask? Yeah, I hear you. It’s 10:00 am on a Tuesday. Our average age is 13. Our median age is 3. Doesn’t exactly feel like a bar situation, I agree. But it’s right there. It’s open. It’s the Cardinal Bar and Restaurant.

The Cardinal is a pretty gritty place. It sits directly at the intersection of two loud and busy thoroughfares and the light rail line. Towering concrete grain elevators loom overhead. Dark and windowless, its dungeon-like vibe emits from every corner. Everything about the experience of walking through its front doors with my kids felt wrong to me. But let me tell you, the Cardinal came through.

As soon as we sat down in the nearly empty dining area, a waitress appeared. Without being asked, she changed the channel on the overhead TV from The Price is Right (which actually was quite mesmerizing for the kids) to Nickelodeon. She brought over a stack of kids books, activities, and crayons. Within minutes, there were french fries and glasses of milk… with straws! Moments later, another waitress appeared and presented some leftover Halloween candy to my kids. What?! Crayons, fries, straws, candy, and an episode of something apparently called Umizoomi… Bear and Bean were absolutely paralyzed by the multitude of amazing options at their disposal. To take part in even just one of these activities on a typical day would be beyond fantastic. And now, it had all materialized before them at once, just moments after frostbite had begun to set in while waiting for the 23. Sweet glorious day!

Not surprisingly, the kids mostly just stuck with the TV show, diverting their attention at brief occasional moments to nibble some candy. The Umizoomi effect was quite strong. Nothing could break the spell. At one point, a loud out-of-town drunk fellow began cursing at the barmaids about how awful they were for not giving him any money and how much better Milwaukee is than Minneapolis (which, BTW, really?!). Bear and Bean didn’t give that S.O.B. so much as a sideways glance.

However, as Umizoomi transitioned to Sponge Bob, I realized it was time to make our way out to catch the 11:08. Thankfully, the promise of a bus ride was enough to entice the children out of their newfound wonderland. Well done, Cardinal Bar. Well done.

Sing a Song of Six Pants

Six pairs of Bear's pants. I have to assume that this is what she is picturing when she listens to the nursery rhyme.

Here’s a recent conversation in our house in reference to a popular nursery rhyme:

Bear: Dad, why do they sing a song about six pants?

Dad: Well, actually sweetie, they’re saying sixpence. Pence is a name for money that was used back in the old days.

Bear: (indignantly) No Dad! They’re saying six PANTS!

Dad: OK, well, yeah…

Rather than launch into a heated debate about the alleged appearance of archaic foreign currency in a children’s rhyme, I figured I could probably just let this one slide for now. Especially considering the subsequent content of this rhyme. I mean, if she starts asking me why or how four and 20 blackbirds get baked into a pie, I’m in real trouble. But then I started wondering just what the deal is with this rhyme. Surely, it’s all just fantasy, right?

Wrong. My curiosity got the best of me, and after consulting Wikipedia I uncovered a bit of disturbing information. “It is known that a 16th century amusement was to place live birds in a pie” in such a way that the birds might “flie out when it is cut up.” Apparently cookbooks from this time period even described the procedures for making this happen. It’s reading stuff like this that makes me extra happy to be living in the 21st century. This is the scene I’m picturing:

16th Century Man #1: ‘Twas a jolly good fox hunt, eh, my good man?

16th Century Man #2: ‘Twas indeed! However, upon completing this spot of tea, I haven’t the slightest notion of what we shall do to occupy our time henceforth.

16CM#1: Ah yes. A conundrum indeed. Perhaps we could, and hear me out on this, procure some fowl and then insert them into a baked good of sorts.

16CM#2: Aha… interesting. And it is your estimation that the birds would then fly out of the baked good at the moment it is sliced into pieces for serving?

16CM#1: Precisely!

16CM#2: Why, I think it’s a splendid idea! We could utilize a pie of sorts. I’ll wager we could fit four and possibly 20 more blackbirds into such a dessert!

16CM#1: Marvelous! To the shed for the bird traps, my good fellow!

I suppose I shouldn’t be so quick to make fun. Just you wait. Somebody living in the 26th century will be ridiculing me for blogging in my spare time.

Nocturnal Street Sledding

Fluffy, new-fallen snow. The sounds of neighborhood children laughing and sledding. My wife and I gazing out the window at it all… and calling 911. That’s right, we called the cops on kids sledding. Yeah, we’re hard core. OK, fine, she was the one to call the cops. I’m really not that tough at all.

I gotta say though, there is a real lack of good parenting in the world. What we witnessed was a loud, obnoxious group of close to 15 kids, all of them probably between the ages of eight and 12, using our street as a sledding hill… at 10:30 at night! What?! Where do I begin?

We live in a major city in the urban core. Very real dangers to these children included vehicular traffic, crime on the street, and, let’s face it, lack of sleep (I wouldn’t want to be around my kids the next day if they’d been up sledding all night). Definite annoyances to other neighborhood residents included enough whooping and hollering to keep everyone awake and potential damage to our street-parked vehicles (it seems that slamming into our car was how the kids knew they had reached the bottom of the hill). Surely, these kids all have parents, and just as surely, none of these parents was anywhere to be found while their children engaged in such reckless behavior. I’m at a complete loss here.

The next morning, Bear, Bean and I went out to survey the damage. Boot prints and tumbling body prints all over the snow in everyone’s yards… cheap plastic sleds splintered and scattered everywhere… a crime scene as grisly as they come. We would not let it get us down, though. No. We had come to do some sledding of our own. On our own property. At a reasonable hour. With minimal audible disturbances to the neighborhood. That’s just how we roll. Granted, we have no sled of our own and were forced to used sled shards left in yard by the neighborhood hooligans, but what can you do?

After the obligatory search for winter gear and donning of said winter gear, a process best documented here, we made our way out into the season’s first snowfall. At this point, the love/hate toddler relationship between themselves and their winter gear begins. With Bean, you may recall last year’s struggle with her boots. This year, she’s got limited issues with boots. It’s the mittens that we just can’t seem to come to terms with. In Bean’s head, it goes something like this:

Getting ready inside house: Hey, he’s trying to restrain my hands! Nice try, Dad. I shall throw these worthless shackles back at your face. Hah! I see you trembling at the sheer force of my will!

Outside the house: Dang! It’s cold out here! I demand that you return my hands to those mittens immediately! What kind of father sends their kid out with bare hands into this weather? Remind me to call social services when we get back in.

Trying to pick up object: What the?! Individual finger movements severely impaired! Completely unable to grasp handle of toddler-sized shovel! Abort use of mittens! Abort!

Trying to pick up snow: DEAR GOD, THAT IS COLD!! Dad! Get over here NOW and put those mittens back on me! How many times do I have to tell you?!

And on and on it goes. I found this post on toddler mitten use that really sums the whole thing up very well.

Despite the struggles, we all managed to have a great time sledding down the modest little hill in our front yard. Nobody got hurt. Nobody sledded out into the street (except for that one time… I’m really working on brake control). All in all, a great introduction to the long winter that is sure to come.

Kids, Llamas and the Holidays

source: Amazon.com

I’m going to review a children’s holiday book now. Even without saying another word about this book, it’s got a couple of potential strikes against it. First off, it’s a kids’ book of which a large percentage are just bad. I mean really, there’s a lot of terribly insipid kids’ books out there. Take, for example, a book about opposites that my kids are reading these days that stars a certain famous tank engine character. There is a spread in this book that shows a rather heavyset train conductor on one side, and a slender conductor on the other. The text reads “fat/thin”. Seriously?! This is something we want to teach our children?! The next thing you know, I’ll be walking down the street with my girls and they’ll start throwing out unsavory weight-related labels at everyone who passes by. Perfect. Thanks for nothing, you shallow, shallow tank engine.

Sorry, let’s get back to the book in question. Strike two: it’s holiday-themed. Even the best holiday-themed books are only palatable for 1/12th of the year, at best. The rest of the time, they’re just downright annoying. A certain Easter book shall go unmentioned at this juncture. As I’ve said before, these books must either be tolerated year-round, or hidden in a dark corner under the couch. If you choose the former, you will be reading about Santa Clause in July. If you choose the latter, you will be forced to lie when your children inquire about the book’s whereabouts. So what are you going to do all year? Wallow in unseasonal literary rubbish, or endure soul-eroding guilt about lying to your kids? Believe me, I’ve done both, and you lose either way.

Alright, let’s put all that aside for a minute. The book in question is none other than Llama Llama Holiday Drama, the fourth volume in the Llama Llama series, which I’ve reviewed previously. The kids and I have really enjoyed these books; thus, I gave this series an official Dadbloggit Endorsement. But now, author Anna Dewdney is treading in holiday territory, and I’ve got my guard up. No way, Dewdney. Don’t think for a second that you can just waltz in here an snag yourself another Endorsement without going through the ringer. We’re starting from scratch, baby.

Let’s dive in. First off, the title – I’m totally digging it. The drama/mama rhyme is catchy, and best of all, the use of the word ‘drama’ is right on the money. Let’s not sit here and pretend that the holidays constitute a lovely, effortless time of year, full of heartwarming, fireside moments. No! The holidays are chock full of drama, as our little llama protagonist is about to discover firsthand. Unpacking holiday decor… eating too many cookies… shopping… little llama experiences these and many other horrors as he anxiously awaits the arrival of the unspecified holiday. Based on the pictures, one assumes the llama family celebrates Christmas, but the holiday is continually referred to as the “special day”, I suppose in an attempt to attract as many readers as possible. I’ll have to do my research as to the religious tendencies among camelids.

Anyhow, the plot progresses and little llama’s condition worsens. The overwhelming array of holiday activities he must endure coupled with his own impatience basically render him completely incapacitated. Everything comes to a head, and little llama collapses to the floor from sheer exhaustion. This fatigued state is dramatically illustrated in a large two-page spread. My daughter Bean is for some reason absolutely terrified of this spread. She’ll sit with me warily at the beginning of the book, but as more pages turn, she’ll jump off my lap and build some distance between herself and the impending llama on the floor. With the turning of each new page she’ll cautiously approach to see what’s on the new page, but then run away once again and just listen. “I no like holiday drama, Daddy! I no like llama on the floor!” she cries out. In my opinion, it’s not a particularly frightening picture, nowhere near as scary as the illustration at the climax of Llama Llama Red Pajama, which does actually scare me quite a bit (there, I said it). What can you do?

So who will help little llama get through this one? I won’t give anything away, but let’s just say it’s a parent whose title rhymes with ‘llama’, and she’s basically the hero of every single Llama Llama book. With her wise words, she reminds little llama to take a chill pill, and remember that the holidays are all about giving and family. Good message. I’m down with it.

Overall, then, I’m pleased with the book, even if Bean isn’t. If you’re going to do a holiday book, you better be honest about what happens during the holidays and not sugarcoat the crap out of everything like most kids’ holiday books do. Holiday Drama does this well, and provides a good lesson at the end. The rhymes flow really well, as always, and the illustrations are superb, if a bit frightening. Way to go, Dewdney. Ya done good. The Endorsement is yours to keep.